Maybe I just can't live the lie.
Maybe that is not me.
A resurgence, a revival, yet more pain... or mere pain...
Will I let this endless eternal pain kill me?
Or will I aceept - like most of us do- and live with it forever- mute, silent, suffering?
Will this be the only place in the world where my tears will coalesce and take the form of comprehensible (or maybe not) prose?
We all live with our private hells within us- yup, I read that awfully cliched line when I must have been 14... and have never forgotten it... yet never felt its truth till these last few days...
Yes, I know now- I have to endure silently, accept, be quiet, never talk-
For the pain will never go... but just go on.........
To ask the most oft-repeated question in the world- why me, God?
Was I singularly hand-picked for this?
This slow gradual everlasting pain....................
I' m sick of crying..and yet the tears do not stop...
Maybe just one bout of tears.... and catharsis
But nothing seems to wash away the grief
Monday, July 17, 2006
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Epiphany or A Sign from God?
Its a day to celebrate :)
I just had an epiphany.
Crazy how life sends you the answers (or at least the right questions) when you are,
oh, sooooo clueless. No, not crazy, just wonderful. Or am I being fanciful again :)
I was reading this total chick-lit book today, and the heroine was in EXACTLY the same dilemma as me.
God- she even asked the same questions. Had the same doubts.
Said the same things. She even used the same words that had been in my mind.
She found her answers (read the excerpt below).
Atleast I know my questions now... even if I don't have any answers yet.
I have never written stuff on this blog which I have read elsewhere- usually its this total personal rant, and I guess I am never at a loss for words when it comes to my endless sorrows ;)
But here goes- a long excerpt from this book- (edited to suit)
which still makes me cry even when I read it for the zillionth time.
I really have to write this here. It could be me writing this- only the author said it better ;)
ok, Acknowledgements first-
The book is called "Girls' Poker Night" by Jill A. Davis
NEED TO KNOW
"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage." Anais Nin wrote that, not me. I think she was right- happy endings are not for cowards.
You don't need to know any of this. But the things I don't reveal are the things I hold closest and fear losing the most. I work overtime keeping them veiled and camouflaged. You don't need to know that I walk around all day fearing the things that make me happy, and that I have been doing that for my entire life.
You don't need to know that I run away from my problems. I pack up and move. I get out of Dodge before I care too much, before I risk too much.
You don't need to know that I am the world's worst poker player. I feel too bad about lying and losing.
You don't need to know that growing up has come late to me. I'm the last one at the party. But at least I've shown up.
You don't need to know that when someone confides in me, I feel needed. Unless I don't like what I'm being told. Then I give up on you. No matter how you might have changed. No matter how repentant you are. No matter how much loss you feel. No matter how much like me you are. What I need is something to hold against you. Because if I don't have that, I will be crushed when you go away.
You don't need to know about the time I was sitting a few feet away from him and he said, "Shhh. . . quiet." And I said, "What?" And he said, "I can hear your heart murmur from over here. Turn it down a notch, would ya?"
You don't need to know about the note he left me. How it was unfolded on my chair, waiting for me late one night.
You don't need to know that I kept that stupid note in the pocket of my backpack for a month. To see if it meant something. To see if there were clues about us.
I just had an epiphany.
Crazy how life sends you the answers (or at least the right questions) when you are,
oh, sooooo clueless. No, not crazy, just wonderful. Or am I being fanciful again :)
I was reading this total chick-lit book today, and the heroine was in EXACTLY the same dilemma as me.
God- she even asked the same questions. Had the same doubts.
Said the same things. She even used the same words that had been in my mind.
She found her answers (read the excerpt below).
Atleast I know my questions now... even if I don't have any answers yet.
I have never written stuff on this blog which I have read elsewhere- usually its this total personal rant, and I guess I am never at a loss for words when it comes to my endless sorrows ;)
But here goes- a long excerpt from this book- (edited to suit)
which still makes me cry even when I read it for the zillionth time.
I really have to write this here. It could be me writing this- only the author said it better ;)
ok, Acknowledgements first-
The book is called "Girls' Poker Night" by Jill A. Davis
NEED TO KNOW
"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage." Anais Nin wrote that, not me. I think she was right- happy endings are not for cowards.
You don't need to know any of this. But the things I don't reveal are the things I hold closest and fear losing the most. I work overtime keeping them veiled and camouflaged. You don't need to know that I walk around all day fearing the things that make me happy, and that I have been doing that for my entire life.
You don't need to know that I run away from my problems. I pack up and move. I get out of Dodge before I care too much, before I risk too much.
You don't need to know that I am the world's worst poker player. I feel too bad about lying and losing.
You don't need to know that growing up has come late to me. I'm the last one at the party. But at least I've shown up.
You don't need to know that when someone confides in me, I feel needed. Unless I don't like what I'm being told. Then I give up on you. No matter how you might have changed. No matter how repentant you are. No matter how much loss you feel. No matter how much like me you are. What I need is something to hold against you. Because if I don't have that, I will be crushed when you go away.
You don't need to know about the time I was sitting a few feet away from him and he said, "Shhh. . . quiet." And I said, "What?" And he said, "I can hear your heart murmur from over here. Turn it down a notch, would ya?"
You don't need to know about the note he left me. How it was unfolded on my chair, waiting for me late one night.
You don't need to know that I kept that stupid note in the pocket of my backpack for a month. To see if it meant something. To see if there were clues about us.
You don't need to know that I'm telling myself to stay when I feel like leaving. Because leaving is easy, and staying takes work. But in the midst of the work, I might lose some of my fear.
You don't need to know that up until I met him, my life's goal was self-preservation. And that when I met him, self-preservation felt genuinely lonely.
When you run into love and it seems like some psychedelic mystery, look at it again, and again, and keep looking at it until you realize the only mystery is how you've gotten by so long without it.
You really, really don't need to know about the kiss on the elevator. But it was nice, and his coat felt new. And when I think about that- I'm filled with regret for not telling him everything he didn't need to know but should have known.
You don't need to know that up until I met him, my life's goal was self-preservation. And that when I met him, self-preservation felt genuinely lonely.
When you run into love and it seems like some psychedelic mystery, look at it again, and again, and keep looking at it until you realize the only mystery is how you've gotten by so long without it.
You really, really don't need to know about the kiss on the elevator. But it was nice, and his coat felt new. And when I think about that- I'm filled with regret for not telling him everything he didn't need to know but should have known.
Permanent Denial versus Progress
Yes, the pain does get better.
But how?
Is it simply because I refuse to acknowledge its existence any longer?
Am I running away... running away from facing up to my screwed up existence, and trying to find answers-
Okay, so the last few rants have been about the never ending pain- and have i progressed :)
Going out, incessant partying, dinner, people, people, people-
Just don't leave me alone with myself anymore
Anything to stop the thinking
Should I lie on the couch and read a book, or should I confront my personal demons?
You get the point.
And I have realized that it is easy. Frighteningly so.
Its very easy to accept to reject the pain. The horror.
Its very easy to live the lie.
But how?
Is it simply because I refuse to acknowledge its existence any longer?
Am I running away... running away from facing up to my screwed up existence, and trying to find answers-
Okay, so the last few rants have been about the never ending pain- and have i progressed :)
Going out, incessant partying, dinner, people, people, people-
Just don't leave me alone with myself anymore
Anything to stop the thinking
Should I lie on the couch and read a book, or should I confront my personal demons?
You get the point.
And I have realized that it is easy. Frighteningly so.
Its very easy to accept to reject the pain. The horror.
Its very easy to live the lie.
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