Duvidha,
Dilemma,
Kashmakash...
Life- a maze of alternatives. Choices at every step.
And my futile attempts to find the right path.
How do I know what to do?
Filled with conflict, hate, love...
So what choice do I make?
Only the light of goodness to show my path...
fading under the strain of compromise.
Is there a right way?
Is there a way out?
Do I even want a way out?
There are no answers...
Just a lot of bleak black sorrow
There are actually no tomorrows left.
I can only wonder...
Does the pain ever stop?????
Monday, June 19, 2006
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Honesty
All of us, as women, and individuals, have to make so many choices in life...
and at every step, it is only what we honestly believe in that is worth choosing and pursuing.
It is but one life, and we owe it to ourselves to do the best we can and not compromise..
which is something I did.
And I can never forgive myself for it.
and at every step, it is only what we honestly believe in that is worth choosing and pursuing.
It is but one life, and we owe it to ourselves to do the best we can and not compromise..
which is something I did.
And I can never forgive myself for it.
Sorry I Murdered Myself
Kismat...Jo likha thha wo ho gaya..wo kiya maine.
Maine hi kiya- ya khud ho gaya?Kya mere bas me thha..
aaj hazaar khayal aate hain- ki mai rok leti, badal deti apni kismat...
Shayad mere hi haathon se mere apne zameer ka khoon likha thha...
Haan- maine hi kiya, mujhse hi hua hai katl-
aur kisi ko kya dosh doon jab maine khud apni awaaz nahi suni
Mai chillati rahi, par maine khud hi apna gala ghot diya
chup kara diya sachchai ko
Jab mai hi sachchai ke liye nahi lad saki
to aur kisi ko kya dosh doon..
Jab maine hi buraai ka saath diya...
maine hi to galti ki
Mera to zameer thha - maar daala
yun hi khoon kar diya
aur usko maarkar mai jee sakti hoon kya...
har pal aatm-hatya
har pal ek maut
haan- mai to har pal ek maut jee rahi hoon
Kitne dinon se zindagi me dard ka ehsaas nahi thha
ab aisa dard hai ki aur kuchh nahi raha
na zindagi, na ehsaas
bas ek besahara, laachaar si zindagi
jo kisi bhi maut se kahin buri hai
jab khud apna vishwaas tod diya-
to kisi se kya gila
jab khud se sachchai nahi ki
to aur kisi se kya ummeed
haan- mere hi to haathon mera khoon hua hai...
Maine hi kiya- ya khud ho gaya?Kya mere bas me thha..
aaj hazaar khayal aate hain- ki mai rok leti, badal deti apni kismat...
Shayad mere hi haathon se mere apne zameer ka khoon likha thha...
Haan- maine hi kiya, mujhse hi hua hai katl-
aur kisi ko kya dosh doon jab maine khud apni awaaz nahi suni
Mai chillati rahi, par maine khud hi apna gala ghot diya
chup kara diya sachchai ko
Jab mai hi sachchai ke liye nahi lad saki
to aur kisi ko kya dosh doon..
Jab maine hi buraai ka saath diya...
maine hi to galti ki
Mera to zameer thha - maar daala
yun hi khoon kar diya
aur usko maarkar mai jee sakti hoon kya...
har pal aatm-hatya
har pal ek maut
haan- mai to har pal ek maut jee rahi hoon
Kitne dinon se zindagi me dard ka ehsaas nahi thha
ab aisa dard hai ki aur kuchh nahi raha
na zindagi, na ehsaas
bas ek besahara, laachaar si zindagi
jo kisi bhi maut se kahin buri hai
jab khud apna vishwaas tod diya-
to kisi se kya gila
jab khud se sachchai nahi ki
to aur kisi se kya ummeed
haan- mere hi to haathon mera khoon hua hai...
Monday, May 22, 2006
The Lowest Ebb
The last few days have been the lowest I have ever reached in life. Ever.
And the most painful. Ever.
So, I've been desperate earlier. And wretched. And miserable.
Yet, little did I know that there would be a blacker day. The blackest of them all. Here to stay.
This time around, there are no choices. No escape. Nothing.
Yes, I have fought. All my life I have fought.
Now, I have nothing left to fight for.
I dreamt. I believed. I had faith.
There is nothing left to believe in.
For the first time in my life, I had to clench my fists to stop myself from going and picking up a packet of sleeping pills from the drawer. I laid with my hands clenched tight to stop.
STOP!
Never needed to end my life. Now, there is no life to end.
That is why I am writing this, right now. Anything to stop me reaching up to those pills.
How long can I stop myself.
I am breaking down.
My tears have not stopped for the last three hours.
And they won't for the rest of my life.
Things can go so wrong so wrong so wrong so wrong so wrong so wrong so wrong
God, Can I please die?
Just an immensely corroded soul.
No spirit.
God, Can I please die?
And the most painful. Ever.
So, I've been desperate earlier. And wretched. And miserable.
Yet, little did I know that there would be a blacker day. The blackest of them all. Here to stay.
This time around, there are no choices. No escape. Nothing.
Yes, I have fought. All my life I have fought.
Now, I have nothing left to fight for.
I dreamt. I believed. I had faith.
There is nothing left to believe in.
For the first time in my life, I had to clench my fists to stop myself from going and picking up a packet of sleeping pills from the drawer. I laid with my hands clenched tight to stop.
STOP!
Never needed to end my life. Now, there is no life to end.
That is why I am writing this, right now. Anything to stop me reaching up to those pills.
How long can I stop myself.
I am breaking down.
My tears have not stopped for the last three hours.
And they won't for the rest of my life.
Things can go so wrong so wrong so wrong so wrong so wrong so wrong so wrong
God, Can I please die?
Just an immensely corroded soul.
No spirit.
God, Can I please die?
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Shit Happens! & Life Sucks!
Two of the most utterly true truisms I have ever come across.
And totally totally American too!!
But yes, so very true. Shit does happen to us all. And life DOES suck.
Big-time, Majorly, Royally.
Am so sick and tired. Tired of fighting. It just does not stop.
Life just keeps sending in one royal kick after another.
Am sick of getting up and fighting. And again. And again...and again.
I give up...
God, Please have mercy...I can not take these continuous setbacks anymore.
One after another after another...
Will it ever end!
Or will life just be a long painful fight... in which I have already lost!
Will the fight ever ever ever end?
Can I please stop being kicked??????????
I can't get up anymore...............................
And totally totally American too!!
But yes, so very true. Shit does happen to us all. And life DOES suck.
Big-time, Majorly, Royally.
Am so sick and tired. Tired of fighting. It just does not stop.
Life just keeps sending in one royal kick after another.
Am sick of getting up and fighting. And again. And again...and again.
I give up...
God, Please have mercy...I can not take these continuous setbacks anymore.
One after another after another...
Will it ever end!
Or will life just be a long painful fight... in which I have already lost!
Will the fight ever ever ever end?
Can I please stop being kicked??????????
I can't get up anymore...............................
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Dreams and More...
How often in life do we wonder, about our dreams and about our right to dream...
Are we justified in doing so? In holding on to our sapne even though each and every one has broken...and broken us...over these years...
Is it worth the pain and heartache? These accummulated years of dreaming? How many of us still hold on? Or give in to skepticism, cynicism and disillusionment?
It is a HUGE risk...to pursue your dreams. Because that makes you in charge of your own destiny. And, OMIGOD, who wants that responsibility...
It is the vulnerability to believe, the openness to hurt, the naive faith in goodness... or, in other words, foolishness...
It is having stars in your eyes on the deepest daarkest nights, it is believing that your cherished hopes WILL happen...and you wait, wait...wait............
There are questions and doubts, there is lingering hope... Thank God for both its Elasticity and resilience :)
When every prayer is a hope, when every breath is a dream...
and yet........
Kehte hain ki wo na khaali jayegi,
Aah jo dil se nikaali jayegi
true, or not?
Do dreams come true?
Are we justified in doing so? In holding on to our sapne even though each and every one has broken...and broken us...over these years...
Is it worth the pain and heartache? These accummulated years of dreaming? How many of us still hold on? Or give in to skepticism, cynicism and disillusionment?
It is a HUGE risk...to pursue your dreams. Because that makes you in charge of your own destiny. And, OMIGOD, who wants that responsibility...
It is the vulnerability to believe, the openness to hurt, the naive faith in goodness... or, in other words, foolishness...
It is having stars in your eyes on the deepest daarkest nights, it is believing that your cherished hopes WILL happen...and you wait, wait...wait............
There are questions and doubts, there is lingering hope... Thank God for both its Elasticity and resilience :)
When every prayer is a hope, when every breath is a dream...
and yet........
Kehte hain ki wo na khaali jayegi,
Aah jo dil se nikaali jayegi
true, or not?
Do dreams come true?
Friday, April 07, 2006
Bebasi aur Kuchh Baatein
What are those things in life that make us helpless? Laachhar. Bebas.
Out of Control?
Aisi kuchh to cheezein hain...zindagi ke kuchh aise mod, kuchh aisi pareshaaniyaan, kuchh aisi he...
jo ekdum dil se dum nichod lein (to all Harry Potter addicts, we all have our personal Dementors)
Our these reasons of our own making? How much of our own lives do we have in control? And how much do we not? And what can we do to make it so?
I have just realized that most of want makes me unhappy is so because I made it so. Not just my thinking that way- but also me doing such stuff that would contribute to problems. Maybe it is lack of foresight, maybe sheer stupidity, maybe getting carried away. Maybe just not knowing better.
But with this comes the knowledge that I can do something- Yes, learn from my mistakes. Not make the same mistakes again. Do better. Improve.
Maybe this time the desperation will be controllable. The ability to take charge of some part of my life, at least.
Responsibility-for myself. The ability to respond.
Do I have it?
Out of Control?
Aisi kuchh to cheezein hain...zindagi ke kuchh aise mod, kuchh aisi pareshaaniyaan, kuchh aisi he...
jo ekdum dil se dum nichod lein (to all Harry Potter addicts, we all have our personal Dementors)
Our these reasons of our own making? How much of our own lives do we have in control? And how much do we not? And what can we do to make it so?
I have just realized that most of want makes me unhappy is so because I made it so. Not just my thinking that way- but also me doing such stuff that would contribute to problems. Maybe it is lack of foresight, maybe sheer stupidity, maybe getting carried away. Maybe just not knowing better.
But with this comes the knowledge that I can do something- Yes, learn from my mistakes. Not make the same mistakes again. Do better. Improve.
Maybe this time the desperation will be controllable. The ability to take charge of some part of my life, at least.
Responsibility-for myself. The ability to respond.
Do I have it?
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Masochism and Hope
Kitna filmi title hai na! But the pain of waiting for a phone that never rings...
Aisa kyun hota hai..
Why can one not relegate him to the depths of hell... and get on with one's work? Kaisa intezaar, kaisi bebasi.
And the realization ki ye laachaargi is only one-sided, he isn't staring at the phone and praying for it to ring...willing it to ring...
He is NOT waiting......
Is this good...to find somebody so utterly necessary to your existence as a human being? Or bad? For the pain is self-inflicted.
Love has to be the most extreme form of masochism.
Aisa kyun hota hai..
Why can one not relegate him to the depths of hell... and get on with one's work? Kaisa intezaar, kaisi bebasi.
And the realization ki ye laachaargi is only one-sided, he isn't staring at the phone and praying for it to ring...willing it to ring...
He is NOT waiting......
Is this good...to find somebody so utterly necessary to your existence as a human being? Or bad? For the pain is self-inflicted.
Love has to be the most extreme form of masochism.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
OOOTTAFAGVSH
Oh Oh Oh...to touch and feel a girl's...
How many of us know the above famous mnemonic...to remember all the important nerves. I think I was somewhere in early grade school when I came to know of the existence of this mnemonic. AND it was only later, when I read "Doctors" that I realized its true meaning (and WORTH ;)
Interesting, huh?
How many of us know the above famous mnemonic...to remember all the important nerves. I think I was somewhere in early grade school when I came to know of the existence of this mnemonic. AND it was only later, when I read "Doctors" that I realized its true meaning (and WORTH ;)
Interesting, huh?
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Zindagi...aur kuchh sawaal
Yahaan kisi ko mukammal jahaan nahi milta,
Kabhi zameen to kabhi aasmaan nahi milta
Yunhi kuchh umeedein, kuchh bachi-khuchi aas...
aise hi saanson ke tukdon par poori zindagi tiki hui hai
Kitni nazuk, kitni laachaar...
Yunhi lagta hai...ki ik khwahish hi har sawaal ka jawaab hai,
har bebasi ka ilaaj hai...
par kya khabar ki tamannaon me tamanna chhupi hai...
aur phir zindagi ek aur khwaab par tiki, ruki...
aise hi har sawaal ka jawaab milega...ek aur sawaal, ek aur pareshaani,
yunhi har zindagi me basi rahegi, ik nayi zindagaani
shayad yahi mera jawaab hai
ki zindagi hi khwaab hai........................
Kabhi zameen to kabhi aasmaan nahi milta
Yunhi kuchh umeedein, kuchh bachi-khuchi aas...
aise hi saanson ke tukdon par poori zindagi tiki hui hai
Kitni nazuk, kitni laachaar...
Yunhi lagta hai...ki ik khwahish hi har sawaal ka jawaab hai,
har bebasi ka ilaaj hai...
par kya khabar ki tamannaon me tamanna chhupi hai...
aur phir zindagi ek aur khwaab par tiki, ruki...
aise hi har sawaal ka jawaab milega...ek aur sawaal, ek aur pareshaani,
yunhi har zindagi me basi rahegi, ik nayi zindagaani
shayad yahi mera jawaab hai
ki zindagi hi khwaab hai........................
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
The Irreversible Passage
Today's blog is just for the sake of continuity. Since I have not been writing in for a long time, I thought I should be. So here I am, spewing nonsense about nothing at all.
That, I honestly think, is one of the greatest abilities of anybody, especially anybody related to the social sciences. And NO, I do not mean to be derogatory by that, only complimentary.
Often I wish I had that ability..to be able to spew out words of (atleast) four syllables and string them along, convolute them and combine then to seemingly make sense. And yet, when probed and pierced apart, what remain are not even the vestiges of comprehensible coherence. Only in the first place, it should sound so totally intertwined that nobody even tries a closer perspective.
This is a unique style of eloquence, wherein issues, concepts and such other abstract notions are talked about. I need to be able to master that, an eloquence that is unparalleled in its ambivalence and equivocality. To be able to argue for and against in the same sentence, and equally coherently, and also making complete (non) sense is a goal to be aspired to.
I see and admire this quality. This ability to string together abstract notions and concepts with seeming clarity and lucidity. It is this acceptance and owning of concepts that I look forward to.
Maybe it requires an understanding of deeper issues and considerations, along with a critical evaluative attitude towards the assumptions and presumptions of the implicit and explicit underpinnings of the subject, accompanied with an objective viewpoint of the same.
After reading the above passage, maybe I am getting there :)
That, I honestly think, is one of the greatest abilities of anybody, especially anybody related to the social sciences. And NO, I do not mean to be derogatory by that, only complimentary.
Often I wish I had that ability..to be able to spew out words of (atleast) four syllables and string them along, convolute them and combine then to seemingly make sense. And yet, when probed and pierced apart, what remain are not even the vestiges of comprehensible coherence. Only in the first place, it should sound so totally intertwined that nobody even tries a closer perspective.
This is a unique style of eloquence, wherein issues, concepts and such other abstract notions are talked about. I need to be able to master that, an eloquence that is unparalleled in its ambivalence and equivocality. To be able to argue for and against in the same sentence, and equally coherently, and also making complete (non) sense is a goal to be aspired to.
I see and admire this quality. This ability to string together abstract notions and concepts with seeming clarity and lucidity. It is this acceptance and owning of concepts that I look forward to.
Maybe it requires an understanding of deeper issues and considerations, along with a critical evaluative attitude towards the assumptions and presumptions of the implicit and explicit underpinnings of the subject, accompanied with an objective viewpoint of the same.
After reading the above passage, maybe I am getting there :)
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Saza de, Sila de, bana de, Mita de
Unexpected twists and turns...You get what you want when you least expect it..and never when you do...
Expectations..that is the root of all bloody problems..Buddha had it right when he said that desire is the root cause of the world's miseries..stop wanting..and all ills go..
is it possible to stop wanting... however much i rein in this man..
man to udta rahta hai
anjaani aas ke peechhe, anjaani pyaas ke peechhe...
man daudta rahata hai
kai baar yun bhi dekha hai,
ye jo man ki seema rekha hai......
Hmm... no limit lines can stop this boundless stretch of fantasy...
Can I?????
Hamko maloom hai jannat ki haqeeqat lekin,
dil ke khush rakhne ko Ghalib ye khayal achchha hai.....
Dream on, buddy.......
No STOP!!!!!!!!
Pandora did make her mistakes..and we yet thank her for Hope :)
Kahte hain ki mil jaati hai...
har cheez dua se,
ik roz tujhe maang ke,
dekhenge khuda se.........
and yet,
umr jalwon me basar ho,
ye zaroori to nahi,
teri duaon ka asar ho,
ye zaroori to nahi.....
Yes God, are you still there?
I need my miracle..yup...I know..another one..again!!!!!
Jhoothi Sachchi aas pe jeena,
Kab tak aakhir, aakhir kab tak,
mai ki jagah khooone dil peena
kab tak aakhir, aakhir kab tak..
Socha hai ab paar utrenge,
ya takra kar doon marenge,
toofanon ke zad par sakeena,
kab tak aakhir, aakhi kab tak......
ek mahine ke waade par,
saal guzaara, phir bhi na aaye,
waade ka wo ek mahina,
kab tak aakhir, aakhir kab tak........
Expectations..that is the root of all bloody problems..Buddha had it right when he said that desire is the root cause of the world's miseries..stop wanting..and all ills go..
is it possible to stop wanting... however much i rein in this man..
man to udta rahta hai
anjaani aas ke peechhe, anjaani pyaas ke peechhe...
man daudta rahata hai
kai baar yun bhi dekha hai,
ye jo man ki seema rekha hai......
Hmm... no limit lines can stop this boundless stretch of fantasy...
Can I?????
Hamko maloom hai jannat ki haqeeqat lekin,
dil ke khush rakhne ko Ghalib ye khayal achchha hai.....
Dream on, buddy.......
No STOP!!!!!!!!
Pandora did make her mistakes..and we yet thank her for Hope :)
Kahte hain ki mil jaati hai...
har cheez dua se,
ik roz tujhe maang ke,
dekhenge khuda se.........
and yet,
umr jalwon me basar ho,
ye zaroori to nahi,
teri duaon ka asar ho,
ye zaroori to nahi.....
Yes God, are you still there?
I need my miracle..yup...I know..another one..again!!!!!
Jhoothi Sachchi aas pe jeena,
Kab tak aakhir, aakhir kab tak,
mai ki jagah khooone dil peena
kab tak aakhir, aakhir kab tak..
Socha hai ab paar utrenge,
ya takra kar doon marenge,
toofanon ke zad par sakeena,
kab tak aakhir, aakhi kab tak......
ek mahine ke waade par,
saal guzaara, phir bhi na aaye,
waade ka wo ek mahina,
kab tak aakhir, aakhir kab tak........
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Culture and Chaos
Maybe yes, this entire idea of incorporating culture into one's comprehension is a bit too ambitious..But I do know that to define oneself, and be an individual, without the backbone and support culture is impossible. What parameters do we have left then to define and measure against?
Yet, this is just another mindless detour. What I want to know is that how do we assimilate culture into our work and mindset as architects? Architecture is all-encompassing- total and holistic, and is..maybe..a subset of culture? So I have to fully understand culture before appreciating its architectural implications and vice-versa. Architecture and Culture as totally enmeshed...each influencing the other and being moulded and morphed by it??
And can something that is a subset of the larger comprehend the larger..Isn't it always the bigger picture looking down...maybe a bottoms-up approach is required..
Yet here I am, trying to understand Indian culture from the American perspective..and the American from the Indian........
Yet, this is just another mindless detour. What I want to know is that how do we assimilate culture into our work and mindset as architects? Architecture is all-encompassing- total and holistic, and is..maybe..a subset of culture? So I have to fully understand culture before appreciating its architectural implications and vice-versa. Architecture and Culture as totally enmeshed...each influencing the other and being moulded and morphed by it??
And can something that is a subset of the larger comprehend the larger..Isn't it always the bigger picture looking down...maybe a bottoms-up approach is required..
Yet here I am, trying to understand Indian culture from the American perspective..and the American from the Indian........
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Urghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
Marvin is the clearest thinker I know! Yes, that is exactly the state of my mind right now. Feeling lower than a snake's underbelly :(
Oh God... (oh no, I am not even talking to him these days..he better sit up and take notice)
Wretched and bloooooooody miserable (though the adjective could be half the reason for being so low)... Life doesn't get more screwed!!
Oh I know it does, just feel like wallowing in my own morass of self-pity, as if it mattered...
Yup, I know, its all my fault.. I accept the BLAME!!!!
Only now I will have to do something about it!!!!!!
Nowhere to run... can't I just hide or something....
No place to go... trapped!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh God... (oh no, I am not even talking to him these days..he better sit up and take notice)
Wretched and bloooooooody miserable (though the adjective could be half the reason for being so low)... Life doesn't get more screwed!!
Oh I know it does, just feel like wallowing in my own morass of self-pity, as if it mattered...
Yup, I know, its all my fault.. I accept the BLAME!!!!
Only now I will have to do something about it!!!!!!
Nowhere to run... can't I just hide or something....
No place to go... trapped!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Khwaish
This eternal evaluation of life..is it good now? Was it good back then? My forever dissatisfaction with the now...
Crying and carping, is that it? Where is the acceptance? The contentment?
Always, always, just that little bit more and I shall be happy....
Hazaron khwaishein aisi,
ki har khwaish pe dam nikle...
bahut nikle mere armaan,
magar phir bhi kam nikle........
Is that the story of life...
Crying and carping, is that it? Where is the acceptance? The contentment?
Always, always, just that little bit more and I shall be happy....
Hazaron khwaishein aisi,
ki har khwaish pe dam nikle...
bahut nikle mere armaan,
magar phir bhi kam nikle........
Is that the story of life...
Saturday, November 05, 2005
A reason for living
What is it that is our justification for living... or do we even need to question our ontological definitions??????
By being something, somebody? By being somebody's???
Do we really need to do so or is our being here reason enough?
By being something, somebody? By being somebody's???
Do we really need to do so or is our being here reason enough?
Friday, November 04, 2005
A new Beginning?????
Is this a reflection of loneliness? Is that what blogging actually shows without showing?
Yes, I know there is nobody around to talk to..hence I blog...
The ultimate refuge of loneliness, the internet..an alternative life, maybe better, maybe not..but here I am, ruminating to the Net cos I do not have anyone else...
Something new for me here...
a place to rant, to scream, to shout that ITS NOT FAIR...
to abuse God, and to know that he doesn't hear...
of unseen dreams, of unsaid prayer......
R
Yes, I know there is nobody around to talk to..hence I blog...
The ultimate refuge of loneliness, the internet..an alternative life, maybe better, maybe not..but here I am, ruminating to the Net cos I do not have anyone else...
Something new for me here...
a place to rant, to scream, to shout that ITS NOT FAIR...
to abuse God, and to know that he doesn't hear...
of unseen dreams, of unsaid prayer......
R
Thursday, November 03, 2005
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