Monday, May 22, 2006

The Lowest Ebb

The last few days have been the lowest I have ever reached in life. Ever.
And the most painful. Ever.

So, I've been desperate earlier. And wretched. And miserable.
Yet, little did I know that there would be a blacker day. The blackest of them all. Here to stay.

This time around, there are no choices. No escape. Nothing.

Yes, I have fought. All my life I have fought.
Now, I have nothing left to fight for.

I dreamt. I believed. I had faith.
There is nothing left to believe in.

For the first time in my life, I had to clench my fists to stop myself from going and picking up a packet of sleeping pills from the drawer. I laid with my hands clenched tight to stop.

Never needed to end my life. Now, there is no life to end.

That is why I am writing this, right now. Anything to stop me reaching up to those pills.

How long can I stop myself.
I am breaking down.

My tears have not stopped for the last three hours.
And they won't for the rest of my life.

Things can go so wrong so wrong so wrong so wrong so wrong so wrong so wrong

God, Can I please die?

Just an immensely corroded soul.
No spirit.

God, Can I please die?