Monday, September 20, 2010

Anger Again

Yes, it is back. I've written about it, here. My nemesis- anger. I have been working hard to overcome it and thought I had, quite successfully. My anger was swift as a spark, and came and went just as quickly. A flash and it was over, leaving me calmer than before. But I managed to control- and overcome it. Have not been really angry in the last six-odd months.
But it is back. And this time in a more devious form. Slow, burning resentment. A constant feeling that life is unfair to me. A gentle simmering festering pain. Small explosions that do nothing to release the pressure. Constant never-ending simmering brewing soft stealthy... scary.

So I was thinking. Why did it come back? Who was it aimed at?
And I realized that all the anger, the pain, the resentment is against myself. It is me I am angry against. For doing some things. For not doing others. For wanting things I can never have.
For not being nicer to myself. For not treating myself better.

Because, I just realize, nobody else is going to do so. Nobody else can validate me. In vain do I seek approval. It is a constant striving ache that can never be fulfilled. For those that I seek validation from can never give it to me. I am looking in the wrong places. And yet, I can't stop. Can't stop seeking it, and can't stop wanting it.

This leads to anger. A constant resentment that comes from knowing that I can never match up. That the people I love most want me to be somebody else. Somebody that I can not be. Somebody that I do not want to be. Yet, somebody that makes them happy.

So who is this person and why am I not her? The 'her' that people love, respect and accept?

5 comments:

Raam Pyari said...

I think it is OK to be angry. It is part of who we are.....

Richa said...

We all do that, don't we? We seek approval/validation from people closest to us. And it can be very frustrating if you don't get it from them.

People grow up with certain standard and expectations. For some of them its much harder to break that stereotype and just be happy for people closest to them. In doing so not only they make themselves unhappy but also strain the relationship with people closest to them.

Hope you feel better soon. Try to find a way to let out the frustration and anger in a constructive way. Don't let it consume you. Exercising helps me out on such occasions. You would need to pick your own poison..

bins said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bins said...

Your anger is justified because seeking validation from anyone else is of no use. If you think you can look at yourself in the mirror and be satisfied, then no one else in this world should be able to tell you otherwise.

People who care for you and love you, should not want you to be something else. Yes they would want you to achieve more then your potential and so they push you in every respect. It does not mean that they are not happy with the person you are.

If they are genuinely not happy with you, as you are then they should not be the people close to you and their opinions should not matter because anyone who tries to change you does not deserve you.

Rachna said...

@RaamPyari- Yes, it is. But still, it needs to be under control, or we end up hurting our loved ones- and ourselves- the most.

@Richa- You are right, I really need to start exercising again ;)

@Bindi- Thanks for showing me the positive side of the pushing. Sometimes I get so overwrought that I miss the fact that indeed the pushing is for my betterment :)